Guys, getting married is hard.
Me and my partner have been together on and off (but mostly on) for 20 years. 10 years ago, my partner proposed to me. We were a little younger than. My mother was unhappy. I assured her that nothing would happen until after I graduated college. I could tell that she immediately envisioned me barefoot and pregnant in a kitchen somewhere, long since dropped out of college.
He proposed to me on New Year’s Eve. I said yes, of course. I When the calls came in from my family wishing me a Happy New Year, I told them all that I had some news to give them when we saw each other. I knew she wasn’t going to take it well, and I was terrified. But I decided to put my big-Twilly pants on, and tell her. “She doesn’t control my life!” I said to myself.
So I told my mother and my two brothers at dinner. They smiled their nervous smiles and congratulated me, while glancing at mtym other from the corner of their eyes. I watched as their smiles turned to grimaces as the silence from my mother lengthened. “Well? Aren’t youi going to say anything?” I asked. Silence.
The next day, I remember her calling me. She was asking what I had planned for the day. I sensed that we were going to use my family’s main conflict resolution tool—that is, act like nothing happened. “What are you up to today? Do you have any engage—..... Do you have anything to do, I mean?” I remember that moment so acutely.
So we decided that we would wait...
We would wait until I graduated college.
But, medical school isn’t a good time to get married, is it? So busy with the studying...let’s wait.
And then I didn’t Match. Well, we dont even know what state we’ll be living in a year from now, so how can we plan a wedding? Let’s wait until we’re settled.
And then came termination, rehab, drug court, motorcycle accident..... In short, life happened.
So one humdrum Friday evening, my partner came downstairs, paused, looked at me, and said, “I have a crazy idea. Let’s get married Monday.”
“Yes.” I replied, without a moment of hesitation.
You have to understand, my partner is not the crazy one in the relationship. Twilly is. Twilly is the one who comes up with the spur of the moment, spontaneous, fly by the seat of your pants ideas. Twilly is the one who buys things on impulse, cancels class on a whim, and runs off to elope witth the love of my life. So this crazy declaration from my calm, safe, deliberate partner didn’t require a lot of nudging to get me on board.
We looked up the rules about marriage certificates in our state. Monday, we were in the clerk’s office being given our certificate. “The officiate signs down here, your witnesses sign down here, and then you mail it back in this envelope”, the very unenthused clerk informed us. We discovered that the definitions of who could officiate were pretty broad. But as I glanced at the list, one of them struck me. I knew someone who qualified as a Spiritual Leader. I happen to have a sponsor that is a pagan high priestess. It doesn’t get more spiritual leader than that.
I asked my partner if he was okay with my sponsor officiating. He assented.
But! She was away on vacation in Hawaii, so we would have to wait for her to get back. He assented.
We need two people to witness. Okay, I’ve got them. Can we do this at my sponsor’s house? He assented.
Well, I can’t pick only two people, how about five people? He sighed. And then he assented.
I’m going to invite my brothers. He protested. “This isn’t what I thought about when I thought of us eloping!” But he assented.
I have to invite my mom now....but she’s out of the country. Can we push it back a month? He raged. We argued, we fought, and then he assented.
“My mom says that if we have people over, we need to feed them. She’s asking me to look for a caterer, and will my sponsor be ok with them bringing tables and chairs?” He grimaced, and then he assented.
“Why don’t we just do this at a place where they will feed people? I found a venue.....they have availability that day, will you come see it with me?” I could see that vein next to his temple throbbing. His face turned red. But he assented.
“What colors do you think we should have? I know we talked about purple but I’m thinking blue instead.” .................
“NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. OUR COLOR SCHEME IS FROM OUR CORD [handfasting cord]. IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE THE COLORS, WE HAVE TO CHANGE THE CORD. BUT I’M KEEPING PURPLE!!!!!!” He bellowed.
Holy shit! Where did all that come from?
“But we could do navy instead of purple, it’s similar?” I asked. No.
“Please!” No.
“Come on!” No.
“Ugh! Why are you so unreasonable?! You’re the worst!”
Sometimes, I just need to recap to realize how ridiculous Twilly can be. I’m grateful to have a man in my life who’s so patient, and willing to acquiesce (if I spelled that right, nailed it!) to my demands.
“Keeping purple?” He asked. I assented.
